Guano Archery

This very silly game was conceived on one of the famous "Crets" holidays in 1996. Two equally ridiculous ideas where conceived for "a game about being shat on by seagulls". The first is the (apparently) chess-like English version - in which players position themselves and jostle each other to try to catch droppings on their heads. Completely different is the laid-back Mexican version in which the lazy players lie on a beach armed with a sombrero to catch the plops.

Background

Guano Archery is believed to have developed independently in England and Mexico in the middle ages, but has rarely been played since.

In England, the game was played in areas well populated by seagulls (coastal towns) or pigeons (inland). Each competitor wore a special hat with a wooden target fixed horizontally to the top. They would then run around trying to catch bird droppings on their hats. Each such event scored a "shit" but the referee would then place a millstone around the neck of the scorer to slow him down.

Early versions of the game were played in open fields with a huge free-for-all involving up to 100 players. The later, more orderly version involved about 6-10 players restricted to an 8 by 8 grid painted in the town square (these were previously thought to be chess boards by historians). It is this version which has now been converted for postal play.

In the Mexican variety each competitor would lie back on a comfy rug, armed with a very large sombrero. As the birds swept down, each competitor would lazily move the sombrero in an attempt to catch a dropping. A sombrero catch scored a "parc" worth 1 point. However, if the competitor's body was soiled by a dropping he instead scored a "crap", worth -1 point.

The game was played over a 6-hour period, the one with the best score at the end being declared the winner, provided he had scored at least 3 "parcs". If no-one had 3 parcs, or the scores were level between 2 or more competitors, extra time was played. Note that the typical Mexican player was very lazy indeed, so the weight of a few droppings on his sombrero was enough to restrict its movement, and of course competitors did sometimes doze off leaving them vulnerable to "craps".

Postal Rules (English Version):

For 6-12 players.

Each player controls one competitor and one seagull.

At the start of the game, both of these are placed on a random square of an 8 by 8 chessboard (9-12 players), or a 6 by 6 board (6-8 players).

A competitor's move may consist of any combination of single-square moves (including diagonals), but the number of these is limited by the weight carried.

Millstones:     0 1 2 3 4+

Max Squares: 5 4 3 2 1

Birds may only move using a knight's chess move.

Each person submits the moves for his competitor and bird simultaneously:

e.g. Competitor to A5, Bird to D7.

After all the moves have taken place, the birds each produce one dropping over the square they are in. However, each dropping has a 1 in 6 chance of being caught by the wind and getting blown into an adjacent square (randomly determined - D8 for direction, may result in the dropping missing the board if on the edge).

A competitor who is the sole occupant of the target square catches the dropping and scores one "shit", and gets a millstone around his neck. If more than one competitor is in the square, they jostle to catch the dropping. The winner is determined by rolling a D6 for each competitor and adding the number of millstones carried - lowest gets the "shit" (and a millstone). Multiple droppings hitting the same square are resolved individually.

Note that competitors shat on by their own seagulls do not score a "shit", but still get a millstone.

In the event of an excessively low-scoring game, the referee may introduce extra seagulls whose moves are determined randomly (but still using knight's move).

First player to 5 "shits" wins.

Postal Rules (Mexican Version):

For 6-12 players

Each player controls one competitor and one seagull.

Each competitor's body is treated as 3 locations - Head, Torso and Legs. The sombrero is large enough to protect one of these locations. Provided the competitor is awake, and his hat is not too heavy (has less than 3 droppings on it), he may move it around to cover 2 of the 3 locations.

Each seagull is sent to defecate on the competitor of its controller's choice. The part of the body (Head, Torso or Legs) must also be specified. So a set of orders consists of the competitor's location(s) to be protected, and the target of the seagull (victim and location).

A bird turd striking the sombrero scores a "parc" +1 point. If the competitor himself is struck (i.e. the dropping hits an area not protected by the sombrero) a "crap" is scored instead for -1 point. At the end of 6 rounds the winner is the person with the most positive (or least negative) score, provided they have at least 3 "parcs". If no-one has 3 parcs, or the scores are level between 2 or more competitors, an extra round is played.

The chance of falling asleep is 1 in 6, and the names of those asleep are revealed at the start of each turn. A sleeping person will wake up at the start of the following turn, unless a 1 is rolled again. At the start of a turn, a sleeping competitor is assumed to wake up momentarily and thus gain an opportunity to move his sombrero to a different location.

by Richard Smith 1996